Cleaning Up Toxic Positivity

Oh, my goodness folks. It’s time again for another episode already. I’m Wanda Thibodeaux, your host, and this is Faithful on the Clock, where we get totally serious about getting your faith and work to align. THIS show, today, we’re puttin’ on some rubber gloves, gettin’ ready to take out the trash. I’m talkin’ about toxic positivity. Let’s break down what it is and how to clean it out of your company right now.

Ok, so right out of the gate, I just have to confess, this topic, it’s weirdly one of my favorite things to talk about, because it’s just…this stuff is like fungus. It’s everywhere. And there’s something really satisfying about getting people to really understand, it’s like Marie Kondoing but for your brain or your attitude, right? Ugh, just gotta get in there and rip out all that stuff, you know, your intentions are good, but you’re just, it’s not helpin’ anybody.

Now, as for defining toxic positivity, it’s just any attempt to be positive that, at the end of the day, ends up minimizing or invalidating how people are feeling. It gives a lot of false reassurances. So that can take a lot of forms, but it might sound like, “Oh, don’t worry about it, everything will go great!”, “Just look on the bright side!” or “Hey, other people have it way worse.” So it can be really, you know, direct, where people come right out say these kinds of things to your face. But it also can be these less direct, you know, a lot of posts on LinkedIn or other social media, you’ll see stuff like, “If you’re not successful, you’re not trying hard enough yet.” Stuff like that, where it’s almost accusatory and makes you feel guilty or inadequate.

No matter what form toxic positivity might take, research is very clear that it is incredibly negative and harmful for individuals and organizations. It can actually damage trust and productivity because people don’t feel heard or like they can go to the people they’re supposed to go to, and mental health takes a very real hit.

In that regard, there are two concepts I want you to understand. The first is the idea of the white bear. And that’s this idea in psychology called the ironic process theory, and they’ve studied this, that if you tell people NOT to think of something, say, a white bear, your brain gets cued up and says, “Oh no, I’d better be on the lookout for that thing to make sure I’m not thinking about that thing!” And so it actually becomes hypervigilant, and you end up thinking about that thing more than if you hadn’t told yourself not to think about it. So when you tell people, “Oh, don’t worry about it, it’s OK, don’t think about it” or those kinds of things, you actually can get the exact opposite to happen.

And there was another study led by Brock Bastian–I hope I’m pronouncing that right, but he that found that, if people perceive that other people think they should feel happy, it just bums them out. They end up feeling even sadder and get sad more often. And there are probably multiple reasons for that, but my instinct says that it’s just, you know, it alienates you. You feel like people can’t empathize, and you end up wondering, you know, maybe there’s something wrong with you because you feel differently than they do. But the bottom line is that, when you tell people not to think of the hard things, when you give them the impression that their feelings aren’t legitimate somehow, you tear people down instead of building them up.

Now, in a Christian organization, it’s tricky. Because you know the number one phrase that we tend to use? We say, “Oh, just have faith.” And the reason that can come across as toxic if you don’t have the right approach is because, just like that example I used before, where they say you’re just not trying if you’re not successful, it sends the message that if the person just believed more, if they just prayed or trusted God more, they’d be all set. It gives this impression on top of that that you have more faith than they do and that you just know how it is and, I don’t know, you’ve got some connection to God they don’t. And the thing is, you can be a really solid believer and still have really legitimate, rational concerns about how things are being done or where they’re headed. And then sometimes, too, we pull out verses like Philippians 4:8, that says, think about what’s noble, what’s right. And giving yourself something else to consider, distracting yourself in a good way, yeah, that can keep you from despairing too much. But it’s not directly facing the issue. And if we don’t put those kinds of verses in the right context, you know, we mean well, we want to get people to see all the gifts God has laid out, but it can make people feel like we’re telling them, “No, no, don’t think about the white bear, just look over here and it’ll be all good.”

So how do you get out of the toxic positivity trap? Well, the main thing is, let’s be clear about what positivity really means. Positivity does not in any way shape or form mean that you ignore realities in front of you, OK. Positivity means that you’ve seen those realities, you’ve acknowledged them and are grounded about it, but you have the confidence because of your experience or skills or resources that you’re gonna be able to overcome whatever hurdles are in front of you.

So part of that, I think is putting the concerns people bring you front and center on the table. You say, “Hey, you know, I’m really glad you brought that up. That’s a really valid point.” Or you say, “I can totally understand why you would feel that way, and you know, that IS scary, I agree.” And you’re just truthful about what you do or don’t know. You can tell them, “We’re still getting the numbers on that, we’ll send those out to you, I don’t know, Monday.” You can compartmentalize and validate at the same time and say, “You’re right, that’s important to talk about, how about we schedule some time for that?” But you don’t try to brush it under the rug. You tell them the strengths you see that can deal with the problem. And you can point out, hey, Joe Schmoe from whatever department, he’s great at analysis, or Jane, she’s just a killer speaker, we’re gonna have her lead some things for us. You highlight everything you’ve already got in your toolbox and you’re really clear how those things are gonna help meet the goal you’ve got. And you get their input on creating a real battle plan, you ask them what they need or what they think would be most helpful so that, instead of feeling like you’re dismissing them off to the sideline, you’re pulling them in. You make them feel like they’re really on equal footing with you and like they belong in the community.

I also think it’s really important to model. If you’re just having the crummiest day, you feel awful, it’s OK to say, “This is really challenging for me. I feel bad.” That’s level 1, OK? You gotta normalize that kind of language. And I think the next step, level 2, that’s modeling the reaching out on top of just being honest. You say, “Man, I’m just having a rough time, would you mind praying with me about it?” And when you see someone else struggling, you maybe ask, “Hey, can I get you a tissue? What can I do to make this less stressful for you?”

So the crux of it is, being a Christian, there’s a difference between being confident in God, as you should be, and just having rose-colored glasses distort your life. You know, if God puts a fire in front of you to refine you, you can’t just deny the flames. And you can’t put the Devil in his place if you won’t even admit he’s there causing trouble. And I think the more specific you are, the more you can pinpoint exactly why you feel good about moving forward, the better off you are. You know, don’t just throw out these generic cat poster mantras, OK. People have heard all that before, which is exactly why it doesn’t help or seem very personal. But if you hear people out and you tell people, I think you can get through this because x, y, and z, you, knowyou talk to ‘em like they’re intelligent human beings, they’re gonna listen, and they’re gonna get the reassurance they actually need.

So let’s close it all out with a prayer.

Father in Heaven, we know you can do and get us through anything. But even Jesus was honest about what was in front of Him. So even as we trust in your strength and the unique gifts you give us, make sure we keep a realistic view of what’s in front of us. Give us real encouragement and give us the right words at the right time to heal and empower others. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

We’re all done here, listeners. Thank you so much for giving me your time today, I appreciate every second you spend with me with these episodes, I truly do. The next show is going to talk about changing leadership. How do you bring in new people at the top without totally disrupting your company? My call to action for you today, just go out, if you haven’t shared the show with someone, find your favorite episode, send it off in a text or an email TODAY, because the more you share, the more we can build the network we need to have a real influence on the way companies operate. Until next time, be blessed.