How to Handle Disappointment

It's time, everybody. What time? Time for another episode of Faithful on the Clock, the podcast where every letter of the alphabet makes words to get your faith and work aligned. As always, I’m your host, Wanda Thibodeaux, and today I’m gonna walk you through how to deal with disappointment. We’ve all had some of that in our lives and careers, I think, and we need to be able to address it well to ensure we don’t get stuck in it. So, here we go.

So, one really good definition of happiness that I heard Steven Bartlett talk about, and he was referencing something Mo Gawdat had said on his podcast, and so Gawdat said that we’re happy when our expectations are being met. And so, the opposite I take from that is that disappointment is what happens when there’s a negative gap between what you expect and what actually happens. So, like, if you go to a restaurant expecting a steak dinner and wine and the server comes out with, like, I don’t know, burned chicken nuggets and water, you’re gonna be disappointed, because you didn’t get what you thought you were gonna get. And that’s important because it means that if your expectations are appropriate, the amount of disappointment you’ll encounter probably isn’t gonna be as high, right? And the caution there, of course, is that you have to be careful not to expect the lowest of everything to protect yourself against feeling disappointment. Some people do that as a coping mechanism, right? They just say, well, if I don’t aim for this higher level, I won’t get hurt. So, those are the people you might see who don’t put themselves out there for promotions or don’t take the risk to change careers or whatnot. But the takeaway I want you to remember is that disappointment is essentially a betrayal of expectation, okay?

Now, understanding that expectation and disappointment are connected, I think the first step in handling disappointment well, whether it happens at work or otherwise, is to ask yourself if your expectations are appropriate. So, for example, let’s say you’re a manager, and you give somebody three days to put together this massive presentation with almost no resources. And let’s say the presentation bombs, right? Well, in that circumstance, I’d say your expectation was beyond what was realistic for the employee to do, and so it’s not really appropriate to be disappointed about the level of performance you got. Or, another example might be if you’re a female employee who has a baby. You’d likely expect that your boss would understand you need some time to heal from the delivery, because it’s common knowledge that giving birth is a huge deal physically, and there are laws for maternity leave in most places. So, if your boss gives you the time off according to the laws of your region, but they’re just berating you about how you should be putting the company first, or if they talk down to others about you and keep highlighting how you’re not available, your disappointment, I’d say, is justified, because they’re betraying your reasonable expectation around recovery during employment.

And then I want to make sure you understand that disappointment doesn’t have to be limited to things you didn’t get. Results or specific assets, that’s really just the first of three possible areas where you could be disappointed. So, in the workplace, you might be disappointed that you don’t get a pay raise or something like that. But the second potential area of disappointment is tied to the expectations you have around people. So, if you have a coworker you really trust and then they steal your ideas, that’s relational disappointment, right? And disappointment even can happen because of the expectations you have around your values.That’s the third potential area of disappointment. So, I’ll just tell a little story here, but when I was younger and still studying music, I was in a situation where, you know, I was studying hard, practicing hard, and I was advancing up the ranks of the different ensembles at the university and so forth. And you know, I’m believing in this idea of meritocracy in the arts, that if you just work really hard, you’ll get your due. And without going into too much detail, I essentially found out that the audition processes that the university had really didn’t matter. So, this value concept I had that, you know, the best person wins was just completely shattered. And that was honestly one of the most devastating things for me, because it just so completely disrupted my entire approach to work and what was possible in my life. And you know, I wasn’t upset at any particular people or anything like that. I was just ridiculously disappointed to understand that this ideal I’d centered everything around wasn’t even reality. And in that instance, I’d say my disappointment was justified, because culture had been telling me my whole life that hard work would get an appropriate reward. You might’ve heard that one, right? You know, the environment I was in absolutely had set that clear expectation for me.

So, once you kind of acknowledge what expectations actually have been betrayed, that’s when you can start really turning to scripture for some guidance. So, when you’re looking at disappointment around material expectations or maybe goals, my first reminder to you is Matthew 6:18-20, which says, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” In other words, your life is not supposed to be about getting the things of this world. And if you’re disappointed because you haven’t gotten the things of the world, that’s your cue that you should start asking yourself not what you want to get, but what God wants to give you, not just for your short-term benefit, but for the eternity He wants you to have with Him. And on the short-term side of that, I’ll give you Philippians 4:19, too. You might have heard it, but it says, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” So, it can get a little confusing because we tend to be way less patient than God about getting good things. And we might even be like, “Hey, God, where’s all that prospering You promised in Jeremiah 29:11?”, right? Like, we wanna put God on our schedule. But His timing has never once been wrong, okay, and He’s not gonna leave you disappointed. And just kind of as a side note here, I want you to also ask yourself if the reason you’re disappointed is because you wanted to get to a goal or get a bunch of stuff to make yourself look better. So, like, maybe you want the penthouse and the boat or to be the CEO or whatever because you feel good when you get the attention those things get you. So, if you don’t get those things, you’re not really disappointed you don’t have the title or the stuff. You’re disappointed because not having those things ruins your expectation of standing out and feeling important. And if that’s your situation, I’ll just encourage you that you already are important to God, okay? You’re already visible. I mean, really process this, okay? You are already important enough to God that He was willing to give His only Son as a sacrifice to keep you close to Him. It’s already been handled. So, all you have to do is act like the son or daughter of God you are and accept connection with Him.

And that segways into the relationships area, right? There are a lot of examples of betrayed expectations between people in the Bible. We have Moses, for example, who was just wildly mistreated by the Israelites and who saw them worshiping idols instead of God. Then there was Joseph, who probably was just overwhelmed with disappointment when his brothers sold him into slavery. You know, they’re supposed to be his family. And then even in prison, when he helps out Pharaoh's cupbearer, the cupbearer forgets all about him. There was David whose own son, Absalom, rose up against him to try to take over as king. And of course, we see Jesus betrayed not just by Judas, who sold Him out, but the other disciples who scattered during Jesus’ arrest and crucifixion, too. So, I really have two things to say here. The first is that reconciliation and forgiveness actually is possible a lot of the time. We see Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. They’d been at odds for years because of the way Jacob had tricked Esau out of his birthright. But they finally do make up. So, if somebody in your work or personal life has disappointed you, it might take a lot of work, but there might come a day where you can end the conflict, and that ought to give you some hope. But if you’re in a position where reconciliation isn’t an option, you know, maybe the person who hurt you has passed away or you can’t legally contact them or something like that, I just want you to make sure you don’t put the expectation you have about people onto God. Because people are gonna disappoint you. I can guarantee you that. We're sinful. We don’t know how to be perfect with each other. And especially in the corporate world, we’ve got just so many temptations to lie and be greedy and all these other things. But God says in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave you nor forsake you. He IS perfect, so don’t let yourself think He’s going to disappoint you like human beings have.

Now the values area, I actually kind of think this is the most difficult area to be disappointed in. Because our values attach to the core of who we are, right? And so when we experience disappointment around our values, like I described when I was studying music, it can be incredibly disorienting. And we can lose a sense that the world is on our side or in any way will ever be kind to us, or that we really understand how things work or ought to be. But just because someone has disappointed you and shown you they value other things doesn’t mean your values are wrong. And in fact, you might be the only one who's got their head on straight. I mean, you can look at the prophet Elijah. He stood up for God against hundreds of prophets of Baal. Or David, you know, fighting Goliath when nobody else would. And I absolutely love the story of Jesus when he drove out the money changers who had been cheating people at the temple. When He flipped over the tables they were using, that wasn’t Him throwing around a few coins, okay? He was disrupting a whole system of things that had developed that was hurtful to the poor. So, don’t get discouraged if you’re gonna go against the grain of the world a little bit. We know that when we value what God values, the world is gonna hate us. So what I’d advise you to do is reframe your experience. Because when there are a lot of people who aren’t following your beliefs, that can be an opportunity to show your integrity in your faith and get closer to God. Like, take Noah building the ark. If you’re Noah, you can either be like, “How lame is it that literally the entire world has abandoned everything God and I stand for?” OR you can say to yourself, “How amazing is it that even when the entire world is evil, my God is faithful and saves me?” Right? We have a choice about what to focus on when we’re in disappointing circumstances and when we’ve been betrayed in different ways. And that choice can make the difference between dancing and despair.

So, to kind of tie all this together maybe on a little bit more of a practical level, I really want you to know that it is okay to feel disappointed. Like, you don’t have to minimize or hide that, okay? And allowing yourself to grieve what didn’t happen and process that, that’s what’s gonna let you let go and reorient yourself to the next positive steps you could take. And if you can, just get some supportive people around you, you know, people who can help you kind of pick yourself back up and get you back in the game. Because disappointment, it really can take the wind out of your sails, especially if it’s a really big betrayal you’re dealing with. And take some time to take care of yourself. Because disappointment, it’s stressful. And you need ways to let that stress diffuse and to kind of reaffirm that regardless of what might be going on, you have value. You’re worth care. You still have good things to offer, and taking care of yourself is gonna prepare you to do what God has planned for you. And as you do that, go ahead and acknowledge what the experience is teaching you. Because you can use that to be better and serve God well going forward.

So, if you would, just close your eyes or bow your head, and let’s pray.

Lord, disappointment, you know it’s painful. And I pray today that you’ll help us keep our expectations appropriate so that we don’t feel it more than we have to. Help us fix our eyes on what You have coming for us rather than on what didn’t happen, and help us trust that what we want might not even be what we need. I thank you, Lord, that you always know what’s best and that we’ll never have to be disappointed in your faithfulness. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

Well, I don’t have any more cookies to pull out of the oven, listeners. So, it’s time for me to close up shop. For the next episode of the show, I’ll be talking about trusting God for provision. I think honestly that is one of the hardest things professionals have to learn to do given all the messages we get around autonomy and responsibility. So join me in two weeks when I explore that concept. Until then, everybody, be blessed.