Hey, there, everybody. It’s me again, your host, Wanda Thibodeaux, and this is Faithful on the Clock, the podcast for Christian professionals where everybody wears their best clothes to get your faith and work aligned. It’s all great when you can have nice conversations that make you feel good, but we all get into those business discussions that are, how shall we say, difficult. Today we’re helping you take the bite out of those discussions with both psychology and scripture. Let’s get moving.

I want you to think for just a second — what’s one conversation you’ve been avoiding? You know the one. The one that’s been lingering in your inbox or your brain, just waiting to explode at the worst possible moment. Maybe it’s a talk with your boss. Maybe it’s clearing the air with a coworker. Maybe it’s even owning up to something you messed up. Whatever it is, you’re just dreading it.

I’ve been there, too — literally praying, “Lord, please help me not say anything today that gets me fired.” Or even with my family, you know, I’ve had to have some really hard conversations with my husband, about our relationship, parenting, you know, even the calling of writing and bringing people to joy that I have. And I think most of us have had those moments where we rehearse what we’re gonna say ten different ways, only to totally lose the plot once we actually get into the room.

But the more I have those conversations, the more I keep learning that they don’t have to derail you. When we approach them with both emotional intelligence and a Kingdom mindset, they can actually be some of the most redemptive and clarifying moments in our careers. So, let’s get into how to do that without losing your cool—or your job.

The first thing we need to wrap our head around to deal with a difficult conversation is, speaking the truth is kindness. We avoid the hard discussions a lot because there’s a part of us that thinks, “I don’t want them to make them feel bad. I don’t wanna create conflict. That’s not nice to do.” But Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love. So, you have to keep your eye on why you’re delivering the truth. You’re not delivering it to hurt anybody. You’re having that conversation and being honest because you care and actually want to connect with the other person, because you want them to be able to become better. And so, this is a situation where, even though it might be uncomfortable in the moment, you have to play the tape to the end. What’s gonna happen if you don’t say something? And sometimes, those hard conversations, you’re actually offering protection, not just for the relationship, but for that person’s career or the entire business. And it absolutely ties to faith in that, because God is a God of truth, as somebody who follows Jesus, it’s part of our responsibility to speak with the same love and honesty He would. We’re called to model that. And what’s really powerful is that the more you speak the truth, I mean, people aren’t always gonna initially appreciate it, right? But over time, they learn you’re gonna give it to them straight, and eventually, they start thinking, “Hey, you know, I might not like the message all the time, but this is somebody I can trust.” So, I really want to invite you to reframe this. Instead of thinking, “This is gonna be confrontational,” think, “This is an opportunity to clarify and build trust.” Because that’s gonna help you chill out a little bit before you even start, and remember, we mirror each other. We’re constantly looking at each other to see where we should be emotionally. So, if you reframe and have a mindset of opportunity and go in relatively calm, they’re gonna read that and be less on edge, and setting the tone that way can make a massive difference in the result you get.

So, I think most of us, you’re probably familiar with the whole concept of active listening. And that’s especially critical in difficult conversations because when emotions start firing, you know, sometimes clarity gets lost. So, we really have to slow down and make sure that we’re really understanding what the other person even means. And it’s also about giving both yourself and the other person enough space to process whatever feelings might come up, to actually pick up on those body cues a little bit more, to be willing to ask more questions. It actually becomes a route to sort of preemptively deescalate the situation. So, that’s the first, sort of, advice I’d give. Just go in willing to let the conversation have some room. Always assume the conversation is gonna need that extra attention and space and time because there’s absolutely going to be more reactivity and points to be sensitive about.

I know in my own experience, you know, I remember this conversation I had with a friend, and we’d gone out to lunch, and I had to be back relatively quickly because I had another, you know, another thing in the afternoon. But she brought up an issue she wanted to talk about, and I just remember how hard it was to think and focus, not only because it was working out a pain point, but because in the back of my mind, I’m like, “I really can’t listen to this now, I’ve got to get back.” So, it really made me hyperaware of how — I mean, we’re all busy. But if we had had that conversation at a different point in the day, I think it would have felt much better, because we would have had the time to kind of dig in and really get more to the heart of what was going on and ask more of those compassionate questions.

And connected to this, remember, there’s this idea of prefrontal cortex load in the brain. And all that means is that when emotions run high, the part of our brain that’s responsible for being rational and making choices kind of goes offline. So, one of the best things you can do to make a difficult conversation more productive is to avoid having the conversation when everybody’s really emotionally escalated. It’s OK to just say, you know, “I’m committed to working this out. Let’s cool down a little and come back in 20 minutes.” Or maybe you say, “Can we schedule a time tomorrow to pick this apart together?” And if during the conversation, you notice things are escalating, you know, it’s OK to take quick breaks. It’s not wasting time if when you come back people can actually think and engage in active listening more effectively.

Now, something else that plays a surprisingly big role in how people interpret a tough conversation is what’s called anchoring bias. And that’s just a fancy way of saying that whatever you lead with — your first tone, your first words — those set the frame for everything that follows. People tend to lock onto that first impression, and it becomes the filter they listen through. So, if you start off sounding defensive, or you open with a harsh critique, it can make the rest of the conversation feel like an attack—even if what you say after that is fair or actually pretty nice. But if you lead with compassion, curiosity, or a shared goal, that gives the conversation a much more redemptive shape. So, be thoughtful. Ask yourself, “What’s the first sentence out of my mouth going to be?” and “What tone do I want to set from the beginning?” Because that first move really matters.

Right alongside that is something called the illusion of transparency. Basically, we humans tend to assume that other people know what we’re feeling or intending — but the truth is, most of the time, they don’t. So, if you walk into a hard conversation thinking, “Well, obviously they know I mean well,” you might be disappointed, because they might not pick up on that at all. The way around that is to be explicit. Say things like, “I’m bringing this up because I value our relationship,” or, “I know this is uncomfortable, but I’m hoping we can grow from it.” These little clarifiers can dramatically lower the threat level and increase trust, because you don’t leave people to guess what your motives are.

And that actually brings me to a really helpful framework called the SCARF model. That’s a model developed by neuroscientist David Rock. And SCARF is an acronym for five social needs that people are highly sensitive to in conversations — especially tough ones. So, we’ve got status, which is how respected or valued someone feels. Then there’s certainty, which is how clear and predictable the conversation seems. You’ve got autonomy, which is whether people feel like they’ve got some control. Fourth is relatedness, which is whether the person you’re talking to feels safe and connected to you. And lastly, there’s fairness, which has to do with whether the person you’re chatting with feels like you’re treating them justly. So, the goal is to just use this framework as a guide during the conversation and ask yourself, you know, “Am I meeting as many of these social needs as I can?”

So let’s break that down with a real-world example. Say you’re giving tough feedback to a colleague. You might start by affirming something they’ve done well — that speaks to status. Next, to offer some certainty, you might clarify why you’re having the conversation and what you hope the outcome will be. At some point, you might ask for their input or suggestions on how to move forward — that’s addressing autonomy. You can acknowledge the relationship and your shared goals — that’s relatedness. And then as you wrap up the conversation, to address fairness, you might talk about your expectations and how you can apply those expectations consistently across the board. And that can include a plan for the whole team, but it also can be stuff like, OK, one-on-one, we’re always going to use this tool. Now, the caveat here is that some people, they’re more driven by one core need. Like, for me, fairness is huge. If I don’t think you are being fair, I feel like I have no foundation for anything else. So, you really have to understand the person you’re having the conversation with, and it can be helpful sometimes to actually emphasize the need you know is central for them. Back to that whole anchoring idea, sometimes if you can hit that right away or early in the conversation, it does a lot to help the other person feel like the rest of the conversation is going to be safe to have. But the big takeaway from this model is that, if you’re keeping those five needs in mind, even a hard conversation can feel like a moment of partnership rather than punishment.

Now, I just want to take a moment to show you where scripture really echoes that wisdom. In Philippians 2:3–4, Paul says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” So, what I want you to think about is, — and I kind of touched on this at the beginning of the show when I talked about truth and trust — when you approach someone not just with a point to make, but with the intention to protect their dignity, to bring clarity, to strengthen connection — that’s Kingdom-minded communication. It’s not soft or passive. It’s incredibly intentional. It says, “I’m here, not just to be right, but to be righteous in how I handle this moment.” Because let’s be honest. Difficult conversations don’t just reveal what other people are made of — they reveal what we’re made of, too. And the truth is, inside of us, in our core, we’re made in the image of God. We have the residue of His character living in us, and that divine imprint means that every time we speak, every time we choose patience over pride or gentleness over domination, we reflect something holy. In those moments, our words don’t just carry weight — they witness for Him and become part of the call we have to bring other people to Him.

So, here’s your call to action for this week. Before your next hard conversation, take five minutes to pray — not just for the outcome, but for your posture. Ask God to help you lead with love, speak with clarity, and reflect His presence through every word. Maybe even review those SCARF needs beforehand, just to keep your heart grounded in the other person’s humanity.

Let’s pray together.

Father God, as the Author of Truth, you don’t shy away from confrontation. But You always speak to us with patience, compassion, and clarity. Help us do the same in our own workplaces and relationships. When we have to say the hard stuff and we don’t feel prepared, Lord, give us courage and wisdom.. Let our words reflect Your character — truthful, loving, just, and full of mercy. Shape our posture so that when people interact with us, they come away having seen a glimpse of You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

You probably know what’s coming, friends. If you haven’t already, head over to faithfulontheclock.captivate.fm and hop on the email list. That way, you’ll get new episodes delivered right to your inbox, plus any updates or goodies I send your way. Next time, we’re diving into one of the most toxic work situations in all of Scripture: David and King Saul. If you’ve ever worked under poor or even dangerous leadership — or if you wanna make sure you’re not creating those kinds of conditions — this one’s for you. Until then, take care, and be blessed.